What's Different About Parenting Twins?

I’m going to be the devil’s advocate mother of singletons and say that parents of all children — multiples and singletons, girls and boys, etc. — can learn from each other. (When people tell me they have the same problems with their 2 kids fighting as I do with my 3, I know the dynamics are probably quite different. But there can still be some value in learning about how they deal with it.)

And in addition to all the differences between families with multiples and singletons that Pamela points out in her wonderful article, the parent of multiples still share much of the same experiences as the rest of us. And I think keeping that in mind is important part of raising happy multiples.

I say this because my husband is a twin, and my mother-in-law always said that becoming the mother of twins was the best thing that ever happened to her. The sad thing about this is that my husband says privately being a twin was the worst thing that happened to him. If he could pick only one thing about his life he could change, he was choose not to be a twin.

Now parents of multiples know about raising multiples than they did in the 1960s. (I really wish my mother-in-law could have seen your site!) But it was her dogged belief that everything about raising twins was special and different, and her self-worth being so wrapped up in the experience, that made it miserable for my husband.

I agree there are big differences between raising multiples and singles, but focusing too much on the differences or specialness of the experience is not always helpful either.

So many truths to this article Pamela! Great job pointing out some of the differences (both good and bad) between having multiples and singleton(s).

There are so many times that I feel I don’t “know” my boys as well as I should because I’m always with them together and not individually.

As far as having two close together babies and comparing it to multiples, in some ways maybe multiples would be easier – they are more apt to entertain each other, wear the same size diapers, eat the same foods, etc. But for the most part I think even that 9 months minimum between babies would make a huge difference. For example, at dinnertime I’m spooning food to my boys like a mad woman, whereas if they were nine months apart one would be doing sufficient self feeding by this point.

And the public attention – “Are they twins?” as they sit in my shopping cart in matching carseats, with matching clothes on drives me crazy! It takes at least twice as long to get any groceries. Whereas, if one was sitting in the cart and the other in the carseat I don’t think people would be as likely to stop and make comments. But on the other side – it’s nice to see how a baby (multiple or not) can bring out a smile from almost anyone.

OK, for the first time in a long time, I’m going to claim fence-sitter status. I agree that having “Irish twins”, etc is not like having twins. We twin moms do everything in duplicity. And rarely do we get one-on-one time with our children. Aside from just raising twins, we have to ensure we tune into their individual needs. It’s so easy (from the beginning) to take on a pack mentality where they all get this, do this, etc. Each one of these children are very different. It’s a never-ending effort to make sure each child’s needs are met differently, but at the same time.

However, there are times when my singleton mom friends tell me about how tough a day they’re having, and I really want to say “oh yeah, that’s sounds real tough”.

I guess we all have the same issues, but twin moms get them at the same time and it seems, when they are at their most exhaustive point!

Thanks for the great article. This is, indeed, a common subject amongst mothers of twins.

I think that mothers of singletons that are very close in age certainly have their challenges, some of them even comparable to raising twins. But, there are just some things unique to twins that can’t be compared. This is neither good nor bad necessarily, just different.

Amanda really hit the nail on the head with her comment about feeding time! And there are countless situations like this one that parents of twins will face. Just thinking about how to celebrate birthdays every year can become a trial. Do you have twins celebrate on different days, the same day, the same day at two different times, etc.? The nice thing is that there is a growing community of twin parents to relate to and garner support from when we need it.

Meanwhile, when our twin parenting issues get the inevitable comparison, we need to keep in mind it’s just one mother, father or friend trying to relate to another with their own experiences the best way they can.

Interesting topic! My friend has twin boys. They have totally different characteristics, sometimes, they take opposite actions. Good parenting needs to consider each individual kid’s personality. I have some thoughts on it at http://www.parents-and-kids.com/blog/en/topics/guide-kids-by-their-individuality/

I don’t know about the fighting between the twins yet, seeing how mine are just 6 wks old now. I do have two other children that are 5 and 3 and sometimes they can play together so nice I think WOW this is great. Other times they seem to get out of bed fighting. So I’m sure I have a lot to look forward to in the coming years.

I have older girls 18 months apart and identical twin daughters. I find many similarities between my girls close apart in age and my twins.That being said, the first year with twins is definately more difficult. But now that all my girls are 3 and older, I actually think twins are easier than my older too!

trust me, its much different having twins than singletons. i have both. twins will always stick together no matter what. they also gang up on others when they want to. they act as one most of the time and rarely are apart. this also makes for social problems. mine are older, in their 20’s, so i have experience