Recently, I heard a story about a "twincident" on a school sports team. A set of twins tried out for a team. Ultimately, after a very competitive try-out process, one twin was cut and one twin earned a spot on the team. The twins approached the coach and asked if the other twin could also be on the team. The coach relented and gave both athletes a spot on the team.
As a mother of twins, I had such a visceral reaction to this story. My first reaction was surprise. In my experience, when there is a process of selection or competition with two multiples in the mix, people are extremely hesitant to choose one twin over another, and instead will elect to eliminate both from contention. (Examples are noted in this article on Twin Discrimination.) It surprised me that the coach didn't narrow down the prospects by eliminating them both, and I wondered about the thought process behind the decision. Was there a clear distinction in the players' skills and abilities? What caused the change of heart? Did the coach give in out of guilt? Was the coach confused about which player's skills were dominant and didn't want to admit an inability to distinguish between the two individuals?
My second reaction was a flash of anger. There were other worthy players who were cut from the team and didn't get a second chance for consideration. It simply didn't seem fair for this player to receive such an opportunity. Yet at the same time, I felt a grudging admiration for the twins' compassion for each other and courage in approaching the coach.
Finally, I wondered about the mind set of these children. What were they thinking? Do they perceive themselves as such a tight unit that one can not function without the other? Is their bond so closely knit that they can't risk weakening it by competing in separate arenas? Can they not accept an outcome where one finds success and the other is left behind?
I felt quite concerned for their emotional stability. As a parent, I realize that life won't always support them in this way; eventually, they will face a situation where they can't both succeed simultaneously. When that day arrives, the outcome may be even more emotionally devastating than the disappointment of being cut from a school sports team. In her book, Emotionally Healthy Twins, Joan A. Friedman warns, "Even when twins are placed in separate classrooms, their dependency on each other can continue at an unhealthy level... Twins who never learn to separate from each other may also face separation anxiety when they are finally parted."
Do Twins Get Special Treatment?
Ultimately, I don't really believe that the twins' action was based on an unhealthy dependency on each other. Rather, I think that these twins felt emboldened to request a dispensation because they felt that, as twins, they deserved to both be on the team. It's given me cause for some serious contemplation about the status of twins.
These twins seemed to possess a sense of entitlement, an idea that they should be given special consideration simply because they are twins. It caused me to wonder: Do twins (and even sometimes their parents) feel an inherent sense of entitlement? Do they expect to be treated differently because they are twins? Do twins exploit their twinship to gain advantages that aren't available to singletons?
Certainly the idea is supported by the public's general fascination with twins. From their earliest days, twins realize that they are a source of intrigue and interest. The media generates stereotypes of twins as mysterious, supernatural or simply adorable in their alikeness. Multiples are often celebrated as the focus of news stories. With all this public infatuation, why wouldn't twins feel special and expect special treatment?
As I step back from my emotional reaction to this story, I'm left considering the implications for my own twin children, and for myself as their mother. I'm watchful, wondering if they ever feel entitled to special benefits because of their twinship. Certainly, they have each received opportunities due to their sister's associations, opportunities that they would not have gained access to of their own accord. But I think that they feel blessed when these opportunities arise, not entitled to them. In their short lives, they've both experienced enough individual successes and failures to realize that life isn't always fair when you're a twin.
